7/21/11

All In...

उड़ चला है दिल न जाने  किस  आकाश  में ,
उड़ता  जा  रहा  है  बस  उन्ही  की  तलाश  में ..
बादलो  के  गरज्नेसे  से  लडखडाता  है  कभी ..
तो  कभी  डर जाता  है  ये  बिजली  की  पुकार  से ..

बावरा  मन  भड़कता  है  इस  दिल  पर ..
"क्यों  उड़ रहा  है  तू  इस  उलटे सीधे  मोड़  पर ..
क्या  उन्हें  भी  पता  है  की  आप  आ रहे  हो ?
क्या  उन्हें  भी  पता  है  की  तुम  उनमें  समां  रहे  हो ?"

दिल  हस्के  कहता  है  मन  से ..
"तू  है  बावरा  और  बावरा  ही  रहेगा ..
मन  ही  मन  तू  तड़पता  ही  रहेगा .."
"दिल  खोल  के  कभी  इस  गगन  को  चूमके  तो   देखो ..
उनके  प्यार  की  बारिश  में  अपनी  आहटों  को  भीगते  तो  देखो .. !"

पागल  क्यों  समझता  है  तू  मुझे  ए  मेरे  मन ...
तू ही है मेरी  दोस्त, तू ही है मेरी  दर्पण ..
तू ही है मेरी  दोस्त, तू ही है मेरी  दर्पण ..

|m|, चिन्मय वाटवे ,|m|

7/16/11

All tensed up!!

It was a dull afternoon in March 2009. I was about 8 months old in CS and I had the keeda of driving a car. My friend's Nigerian friend had rented a Chrysler cruiser and he was good enough to give it to Ashish Deshmukh, my awesome friend. My friend drove the car around and we went to several places. Man, my adrenalin jumped in joy. I wanted to drive too.

I requested my friend to lend it to me for an hour so that I could go to Walmart for grocery shopping. My sincere request and innocent face forced him to give it to me. I was happy. I drove around like a pro, taking turns at the most acute angles. I felt like Sebastian Vettel. I reached home safely and then my friends called from McD which is about three stone-throws away from casa del sol. I wanted to show off. I picked them up.

Kunjan Majmudar, Shreyas Bedekar, Ameya Rao and Aditya Joshi sat in the car, trusting my driving skills completely. I peacefully drove to Normandy Square to drop off Kunjan where a thing happened.

I had to take a sharp right against oncoming traffic to park the car on the shoulder of the road. I was aware of the 1 feet deep pothole in the parking spot. So I hit the gas.....MUCH TOO LOVINGLY.

Bammm... I was in a state of shock. I knew I had hit the pavement in front of the car forcefully. My friends looked at me as if I had killed them. I did not want to move. I just wanted to rewind the last 8 seconds of my life. But the damage had been done.

I was left with a broken radiator, damaged bonnet and a badly drowned feeling. Why? Because: 1) The car was neither mine nor my friend's. 2) I was not added as a driver while renting the car 3) Was the car uninsured? I easily could guess the damage to be worth 1500$. Where will I get the money from? What will I tell Ashish? What will Ashish tell his friend?..... The whole world seemed to diminish.

I decided to drag the car somehow in from of my Casa 212 apartment even if the engine got red hot. That way, I could make a story and reduce the blame on myself. A gathering of friends pooled up. I made a few phone calls to a few PhD car owners. Everybody gave different degrees of torture. After 2 hours of public gathering and 200 different points to ponder, I decided to call Ashish and explain him a false story that was a bit more believable than my rugged driving experience. He was shocked and stunned. It was about 2AM then and we finally decided to take care of that the next day.

As with several other problems, a good night's sleep solved it all. I literally dreamt that The Nigerian had indeed taken complete insurance of the car. Next morning I checked the car thoroughly to look for papers. I found them. I, Ashish and his Nigerian friend were very relieved but there was a strange silence in the air. I felt sorry and conveyed it to them.

The final 6 mile drive to Enterprise rentals needed 20 pit stops for refilling coolant. Ironically, Enterprise did not even notice the problem when we returned the car as the damage was underneath. We returned happily and had a drink :)

Moral of the Story: 1) DO NOT drive cars that are not in your name. If you run out of luck, you may have to face dire consequences. 2) DO NOT panic as I did. Time solves all problems. 3) Take advice from 2-3 trustworthy people. Or you will run around like headless chicken. 4) You can either take liability insurance or complete damage waiver while renting a car. Its expensive but advisable to take CDW if you are a fresh driver. 5) If you have done something wrong, do not mention it to rental cars if easily possible. Once you leave their premises, they cannot blame you. So run before you get caught!
1000 days ago!

The night of July 28th 2008 was different. I was going to be away from my parents, sister and loving friends and relatives for the first time the next night. There was a resounding feeling of vacuum in everybody's heart. They were going to miss me and the feeling was definitely mutual.

My beautiful aai had planned the next 24 hours with the precision of a webbing spider. All my dear ones joined in to bid me adieu. I was treated like a prince who was going to take over the world. I was overwhelmed with painful joy. I almost wondered if I really deserved so much affection. I felt I had been a dumbo so long. I was filled with the naughty guilt of a 7 year old.

My sister made the most awesome coffee the next morning. My mother embraced me and her tears quickly rained upon my bald head. It only made me stronger but I felt that I was making a mistake of leaving them. I was soon treated to a mouthwatering breakfast while my parents and sis took care of packing my baggage.

The next hours saw me being artificially happy while responding to trivial queries of everybody who came to visit me. Cyrus Irani, my beloved parsi "mama" got a parcel of the famous "paradise chicken biriyani". It, coupled with mom-made chicken curry truly felt like paradise. Never had I eaten so much so quickly. (PS: My mother until that point was strictly against cooking meat at home).

The sun set and so did I. The time had come. Everybody seemed to act happy around me but "I will miss you" feeling could not be hidden. There were continuous episodes of cry and laughter. At the end laughter won. We happily did the final weight check. I took almost a lifetime to come out of the shower and wear the heaviest clothes. The ticket was non-cancellable and the i-20 and visa was not fake. I had to leave.

I put my arms around my mom and sis, making sure that I laughed to lighten the moments. The triple layer of clothing did not stop me from feeling dead cold inside. My cool father cool was also feeling sad. I could see the mix of sorrow and pride through his intense eyes and I almost wanted to breakdown. But I knew it would be disastrous. I saw my hero atlas cycle, yamaha libero and kinetic honda. They were pleading me to ride them. I was sorry. I was just glad that the fish in the aquarium would forget me after 3 seconds.

29th July 2008 2AM. We reached the beautiful Hyderabad Intrnl. airport. Its architectural beauty was an apt finale to our 45 Km drive. My Hyandai Santro also gave out its final breath to me. Man, I was a fool. I was a fool. I AM a fool.

I called Nishanth Pasupuleti to check his where abouts. He and his family soon arrived. We were to travel together. The two families met and alas! We all felt that we were not the only one missing each other.

The 54Kgs of luggage seemed much heavier. The cart rolled and I entered the port. I felt confident again. I loved flying. I took the boarding pass and went back out movie style to give the "last hug". That was the last time I saw them.

I will never know how they felt in the next few days until I am a parent myself. But I am sure it is not a pleasant feeling. The place where we had coffee, the plants that I watered, the floor where I slept would have shouted their throats out at my family.

After almost 3 years of ups and downs, I still bang my fists against the walls. I got to do better. I got to make them happy. But how? But how? The question remains unanswered.

7/7/11

Feelings of Eternity!

It feels like a saint to be covered in your paint,
Everytime I miss you, I just feel I’d faint,

O baby tere bina yon mai kaise jiyu
Yaad aaye teri baatein to bas mai aasu pochu

You are the sweetest one, so I cannot complain
I will just not force you, coz u cannot explain,

I would quit from this race if I could slow down my pace
And I would run from your life and leave behind no trace

All my fears go wrong when you are around me
All my tears vanish when you just glance at me

Karta hun tujhse mai pyar, kyon nahi samajhti tu yaar
Tu ek baar karde ikraar, to chodu sara sansar

When you miss my call an unknown fear kills me,
When you don’t text me back, a madness quickly fills me

U get the best out of me and kill the beast within me,
I cant start unloving you, even if you try forcing me,

Jaadu ye tera mujhpar chaya kuch aisa hai
Raato mein so na saku, dino mein tare ginu

I’ll drive away your pain, even in acid rain
Girl you can trust me on this, coz ur love is my bliss

Har aahat teri mujhko rulati hi kyon hai yaar
Thoda tu karle jo pyar, to mai hasdu ek baar

coz It feels like a saint to be covered in your paint,
Everytime I miss you, I just feel I’d faint,

It feels like a saint to be covered in your paint,
Everytime I miss you, I just feel I’d faint…

9/8/10

Shots For Thoughts

As I sit on my idle chair, many weird thoughts compete against each other struggling for supremacy. Each new player seems better than the retired one and the bench strength seems to be very powerful. I cracked the nut but only to find that what lay inside was already wormed. Now the worm seems so beautiful that I cannot wait for it to turn butterflies. A pop up window emerges each time I click a  link to find the right site. It asks me to refine my old dictionary or to change my whole operating system. But I do not have enough time to upgrade myself. Do I just keep rebooting over and over again? My outdated anti-virus has to give up someday fighting my cute trojans. But This old anti-virus is also so dear that I wish to just downgrade myself to Me1.0 from the current Me2.0 rather than uninstalling it. But was there a real Me1.0 in the first place?

A stranger once told me that my thoughts emerge from distributed locations through out my body. I thought she was complementing me but as I think again, I feel I was just being "sarcasticated".  It now truly seems like my brain has melted and resolidified throughout my body. Naturally, problems were ought to arise when incapable organs started thinking. I have been scolding my useless thoughts and shameless ideas but they wish to trouble me again. They seem to look at me angrily all the time as if it was their birthday and I was not wishing them purposely. How can a mother with a zillion kids remember all birthdays?

Am I lost in transit? Or is it just a phase that every person pushes through at this hour of the day? Why am I confused? Am I really thinking wisely or Am I just acting brave? I have the answers to my questions but again, these answers do not satisfy me completely. I need proofs. I need evidences to believe that everything's fine. Why are my thoughts so drunk? I can put a few to sleep but not all. I wish to take good care of them. But they are addicted and need a break. But Its sad that there is no rehabilitating them. Because they are plain abstract and shapeless. Is there anybody or anything that can give them a non-addictive kick? I can sell my time. I can sell my peace. I can sell my energy. I can sell my space. I can give whatever it takes to pocket my thoughts back.

Its raining outside now but its pouring inside me. So I had to drain everything out. I am sorry if I flooded your mind space with this. What seems crap to you is making complete sense to me. My thoughts are so drunk that nobody except me can understand their blabber. I just request your patience.

If you cannot help them, at least do not invite them to your party tomorrow. Give them time to realign and realize. I am trying my best to put them to sleep.

Please no more shots for my thoughts!




8/5/10

Almost Hell-met

12/07/2007. I had just returned from an awesome day at work. I threw myself on my sofa thanking my Yamaha Libero for forgiving the 6'O clock Friday evening Hyderabad traffic. I was sharing my day's experiences with my mother and sister when my friend Vamsi called me on the landline. It was about 6.45 PM then.

Vamsi, a tall, dark guy is better known as IAS (Invisible After Six) in our group. He worked in his brother's firm about a mile and a half away from my home. He was leaving for The United States in about a weeks time and wanted me to accompany him for his much awaited "USA shopping". I took a quick shower and took leave from my mother and sister. My mother warned me about reckless drivers from our second floor apartment window. I smiled back at her and zoomed out. I parked my Libero beside Vamsi's Splendor in his company's cellar. A generally passive Vamsi seemed very active that night. We planned our shopping spree in a small roadside Irani cafe' and started off on his splendor. Our money spent per unit time gradient on that night was the largest of our lives. We were done shopping by 11.30 PM. We spent Vamsi's left over cash on gas, aaloo chat and pani puri. I decided to stay at Vamsi's place that night when he told me that his mother had made spicy Andhra chicken curry.

Vamsi's house was located on the city outskirts, fifteen miles away in a serene military area. Riding with Vamsi made that route more enjoyable. We reached his place at around 12.45 AM. And as they always did, his family greeted me warmly. We hogged on the chicken curry, omelet and rice made by his mother. We  then decided to meet a friend Naveen aka ringu who stays two miles away from his place. I took over  the charge of his bike. Vamsi warned me about the worn out brakes but did I care?

Naveen, Vamsi and I rode triple-seat to a Chinese food cart and feasted on hot manchurian and egg noodles. I dropped Naveen back to his house safely only after having scared him with my wheelie trick three times on the way back. Vamsi was not scared. He had seen me do that enough number of times not to be scared. The road back to Vamsi's place seemed really boring after a fun-filled evening. I removed my helmet and balanced it on the gas tank between my laps. I took my hands off the handle and started playing tabla on my helmet. I was loving the cool breeze graze on my face. Vamsi got a bad feeling and asked me to put the helmet back on. I was reluctant but he insisted. I listened to him.

60Kmph..65Kmph...70Kmph.. The splendor was cruising on the A.S.Raonagar highway when suddenly a young kid riding a 220cc black Bajaj Pulsar entered my vision from the left side of nowhere. He was taking a left turn from a narrow bylane. Unable to control his speed, he took a larger radius of curvature. He got too close for comfort but I had already committed to my speed and the brakes were lousy. The pulsar drifted closer towards me and I had to drift closer to the concrete divider on my right side.  I was only about two feet away from the divider. I had to take a decision. Three lives were at stake. I had to either ram into the stationary divider sideways or dash against the pulsar at almost zero relative speed. Option two seemed to have a greater chance for our survival.

I prayed to God to freeze any heavy vehicles following us, pulled the brake lever with all my strength and Bang!!!

The sight of Vamsi flying over my head and rolling on the road for about 20 feet was really frightening. In the first millisecond, I prayed that he should be able to take that flight to America. In the second millisecond, I saw the Pulsar sliding on the road, sparking away from me. I hoped the kid was not under it. In the next millisecond, a virtual video of my whole life flashed across my mind at super fast speed. I felt I had already died.

I did not feel the next few minutes pass by until Vamsi helped me sit on the divider. I was very glad to see him. Because it proved that both of us were alive. Sitting on the divider with my helmet still on, I saw the disfigured splendor and the stunned faces of the tens of onlookers. Two of them handed me a napkin. I was bleeding inside my helmet. The adrenalin prevented me from knowing the exact bleeding zone as I could feel no pain. Vamsi helped me unstrap my helmet and I tried feeling any open wound on my skull but could not feel blood anywhere. Vamsi pointed at my left cheek. The helmet had compressed and pulled my skin so strong that it tore my cheek while sliding on the road.  We somehow stopped the bleeding. But problems were still far from being solved. The kid, who was later found to be only thirteen years old was making scary noises. I had never heard scarier noises until then and I hope I will never ever hear those voices again. Most of the onlookers just stood there standing and staring at me as if I were a murderer.

The police arrived soon and that was the worst thing that could happen at that time. The cops removed the accident vehicles to the side of the road. A cop carefully carried the kid into his jeep and then grabbed me by my left wrist and pulled me into his jeep. It was the most excruciating physical pain of my life. Vamsi accompanied me voluntarily. They took us to Poulomi hospital, which was infamous for accidental deaths.I really did not want to go there.

The next half an hour is still missing from my life. I do not remember anything that happened to me until I found myself sitting on a chair in front of the kid's bed. My cut was cleaned and dressed up. I pulled out my phone and took my pictures even in that state of trance. The hospital room broke out into laughter seeing me do that. But I had to capture those moments as if I knew I was going to use them in this post.



A tall, well-built guy barged into the room. He claimed to be the owner of a cellphone showroom where the kid worked as a cleaner. He collaborated with the doctor and I had to pay them 1000 Rs. to stop troubling me. I was physically and mentally in no position to argue. Then police smelled meat too. They started asking us for money and warning us of dire consequences if we did not comply with their demands. We got really angry, made a few phone calls to our "political contacts" and got them out of picture. Things then settled down and we both found space to breathe. We walked out of the hospital laughing at each other.

It was about 3.00 AM and time to go home. But we went to a children's park, sat on  a bench and tried to join the missing links together. During our conversation, I realized that my left canine tooth had chipped off  and  it suddenly started hurting. Our jeans were torn and Vamsi was bleeding in his left knee. But things were much better than I had feared.

We went back to his place to give his family the shock of their lifetime. Though it was majorly the kid's fault, I was guilty of riding too fast. But Vamsi decided to take the blame on himself as he did not want my impression on his family to be hampered. He faked that we skid on a sandy patch of road while he was riding the bike. After emotions calmed down, we finished the left over chicken and Vamsi dozed off as if nothing had happened. The pain in my left arm was getting unbearable. I spent the night sleeping on my right side.

Next day, Vamsi dropped me back to my bike. I painfully rode back home. The expressions of my mother on seeing me are unforgettable. She hugged me tight and did not ask me questions. I could not feel any pain while I was being embraced. She just mentioned that I did a mistake of not calling her as soon as I met with the accident. But I knew that would have been bad for her.

The next six days saw me going to doctors and dentists to fix my body. I was too stubborn to get an X-ray done on my left arm. I thought it was a minor muscle tear. But when the requests from my mother turned into anger, I got an X-ray done on my left arm and even the doctors were amazed to know that I was living with a completely broken left collar bone since the accident.


After a few days I learned that the kid was discharged with minor injuries to his left heel and elbow as soon as we left the hospital. I request the readers to not let your kids and any other kids you know to ride on the road unsupervised.

I myself learned a lesson too. If I had not payed attention to Vamsi's request to wear the helmet, I may not have been in a position to post this. So guys, please wear your helmet. They are not just fashion accessories.

Please stay safe.




8/3/10

The Aftertaste of Failure

It is perfectly alright to fail. And it is perfectly alright to fail again. And again. The only impedance to moving ahead is blocking yourselves from accepting failures. Failures need not always be stepping stones to success. They can sometimes teach mightier lessons. They can teach us giving up. Quitting at the right moment is a sign of wisdom. It saves time, energy and even money. This pessimistic approach requires to be adopted at times when there is a high risk of escalating our commitment to irrationality. I hope the readers take the right sense from the preceding sentence. I do not want to sound discouraging. One can go through with ones plan if there are attainable missing links that can pull success within striking distance.

Unqualified thoughts and misdirected efforts are simply not worth us. Mental peace and physical strength may be compromised in an effort to make up for the lost ground. And after all, discovering new lands is far more satisfying and adventurous than dividing and ruling. Society feeds us ample fodder to sustain major blows even though they may leave dents sometime. Cashing in on new opportunities and letting a few of them overtake is the best way to drive safely.

There is a solid line between beginning to fail and ending up a failure. Most of us are blind to see it. Failure is like cancer. You got to remove it before it spreads and destroys the whole system. We may argue that some cancers are benign and hence do not need to be removed. Yes, and likewise we have to live with a few of our mistakes. But the day they start firming their grip on our mind, amputation is the only choice left. Trying to cope with it only inflates our balloon of pseudo-confidence. And once it bursts, repent-able consequences follow.

Wars within us have to be relaxed as we will ultimately end up on the losing side. Minor skirmishes in our body lead to a lag between our thoughts and action. Once Integrated, its difficult for others to match our graceful synchronous performance. Failures generally lead to disappointment when we match our dreams to facts. Its human to dream, its human to fall. But we have to be smart enough to stand up and redirect ourselves to a different path if we fall again. Our dream always awaits our arrival.

The sour past will turn sweet once our dreams are realized. The sweat that we burnt and the tears that we lost along the path to success will find their worth. The aftertaste of failure though bitter will make success taste sweeter once attained.